19 May 2014 - PHYLLIS DILLER HUMOUR


PHYLLIS DILLER HUMOUR

G'day folks,

Remember the zany Phyllis Diller who died in 2012? Here are some of her best lines.


Marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
 
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
 
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
 
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
 
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:  Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
 
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
 
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
 


Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
 
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
 
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
 
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
 
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
 
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
 
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
 
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
 
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
 
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller



Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
 
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
 
The reason the

golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing
Phyllis Diller





Clancy's comment: I hope some of them have put a smile on your face.

I'm ...



R.I.P