1 May 2016 - ONE-LINERS





ONE-LINERS

G'day folks,

Here are some one-liners to make you smile ... Or throw up.


Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
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My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
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Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had?
They're no longer on a first-name basis.

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It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

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If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back,
  someone else might need it!!

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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.
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You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!
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Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" and UPS sends "shipments?"
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Never criticize your wife's faults.
It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.

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For Sale: One computer slightly used.  One bullet hole in screen.
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If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?
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What's the speed of dark?
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Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
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It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.
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Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
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 I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.
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At age 66 I'm bisexual.  I said bye to sex.
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Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.
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"It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall."
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Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."
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If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?
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The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"

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With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
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Help Wanted - Psychic - you know where to apply.
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Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.
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Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.




The 50-50-90 Rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

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It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

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You can't have everything - where would you put it?
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If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
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The things that come to those that wait
may be the things left by those who got there first.

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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use one.
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When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.

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I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.




Clancy's comment: Some were fairly lame, eh? However, some made me think.

I'm ...